WTF 2018?

Thank heavens it’s already November, I’m so done with 2018!!!

First things first, though – thank you all so much for your lovely comments and comfort on losing Peanut. It’s still hurting like crazy, and I guess it will keep hurting for a good while to come, but it’s so good to know that there are dear people out there who understand and care. Thank you.

As you can see from the title of this post, I’ve come here to complain and shamelessly wallow in self-pity today, and I believe I have reason to, since 2018 is so good at throwing crap at me lately. Just when my ribs have healed and I begin to feel like a human being again (it still aches a bit whenever I sneeze, cough, or lift something heavy, but then again, I don’t really need to sneeze or cough that often, and can avoid lifting heavy stuff), I get my first ever migraine attack. The full package, starting with flickering vision and progressing to the worst headache I have EVER had in my entire life, sensitivity to light, nausea, vomiting – in short, I almost collapsed at work (third day back after the rib debacle, a Saturday no less, my coworker had to sacrifice her weekend off to come and stand in for me) and landed in hospital for three and a half days. The doctor on duty was quite certain from the start that it was a migraine attack but apparently, I’m unusually old to experience this for the first time. I know it’s all my fault – at the beginning of the year, I decided that I would take turning 50 as an opportunity to open a new chapter in life, and just go ahead and start something completely new, something I’d never done before. What I MEANT was learning to ride a motorcycle and getting my driving license. What I GOT was a migraine! Well, thanks very much! Anyway, since I’m so unusually old, the doctor decided to put me through an MRI just to make sure there was nothing up there in that head of mine that didn’t belong there, other than a few bees in my bonnett. Well, the good news is there is no evidence whatsoever of anything out of the ordinary.┬áActually, I could just forget about it, and carry on as if nothing happened. But I won’t.

I talked to one of the nurses, and she said that migraines might be brought on by emotional stress. Come to think of it, I’ve had enough of that kind of stress during the past few months. All the worrying about my jobs, losing Peanut, health concerns, and the changes brought about by our motorcycle adventure that bothered me a great deal (because I don’t deal well with change, and because our relationship as a couple changed, and not always in a good way) … I know that change is inevitable, it’s just part of life, and so is loss and sadness and illness. I know that in the end, I’ll grow more on the obstacles and difficulties than on the easy days – just like a ship will sail faster with a stronger wind in its sails. If the wind gets too strong, though, a good captain will order some of the sails to be taken down to avoid the breaking of masts – and that’s what I need to learn, and what I’ll have to be more aware of in the future. I need to take time off to regroup and breathe, time for my soul to relax and gather new strength. I also need to learn to be honest with myself. Some things just won’t work, no matter how much I want them to, and some things I’ll have to let go, no matter how much I want to keep them. (No, don’t worry, I’m not talking about divorce.)

Crafting has always been a way to relax, get back in touch with my inner self, and think good thoughts. It has been a source of joy, a boost for my self-confidence, a learning curve, and just completely fun. I’ve been playful about it, starting new projects as the whimsy hit me, finishing some and frogging others, looking for new challenges, buying material when I wanted to and could afford it, regardless of the stash I already had, and without feeling guilty about expenses or unfinished objects. And I blogged about my crafty journey just as I went about it, without putting pressure on myself, and without following rules and regulations. I just took an hour or so off each day, to sit and knit, or crochet, or sew, or do whatever else I felt like doing. Of course, taking time out for crafting was easier a few years ago when I was a housewife but on the other hand, I need this special time for myself so much more now that I work outside of the house.

This morning, I decided that I needed a holiday, and so I made one for myself. I watched two episodes of „Midsomer Murders“, took some photos, played a computer game, and sat down to start crocheting the flower border for the Teaflower Shawl. While in hospital, I started a new pair of socks, and just to add some spice to it, decided on stranded knitting this time – oh, and by the way, many thanks to my wonderful husband who not only brought me my knitting, but actually rummaged through my stash to find exactly what I had asked him to bring – so there’s a new pair of „Call Them Cherry Blossoms“ in the making. The Seed Stitch Blanket got some love during the past few weeks, so with luck, we might actually cuddle under it before the bitter cold hits (but even if not, it’s not going to be the end of the world).

Guess what? Feels great to be the me I want to be.

4 comments to WTF 2018?

  • CJ

    It’s been a hell of a year for you I think, I can understand while you’re glad it’s nearly over. I don’t cope well with change at all, and I can really sympathise with the anxiety. Crafting and reading have saved my sanity many a time. I love the idea of a ‚holiday‘, watching some television and doing some making. Just what the doctor ordered I think.

  • So glad you don’t have anything going on up in the ‚belfry‘ to worry about. Sorry you landed in the hospital, though. It was good to read your post and know that you’re finding way to deal with the stressors in your life. I hope that 2019 is a good year for you, Ella!

    • Ella

      Thank you, Becki. I’m trying to stay positive and remind myself that I can’t grow if I don’t experience things. I wouldn’t mind fewer lessons and more fun in 2019, though. ­čśë

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